23 Week Update

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Well, well… What a week! We’re down to 116 days before this baby is coming out. Yes, it is crazy, I know! I’m honesty starting to experience a lot of anxiety over the birthing process and of course the lifestyle change. Thankfully for my husband and I it won’t be too different, we’re very blessed to have made adjustments already that will make his/her arrival all the smoother.

We still need to purchase a travel system and a couple of knick nacks. All can happen at a later time, but we’re planning on putting up a “mini” registry – for one item, haha. Aka the Paypal donation button. We wanted to do a gift-collaboration idea with anyone who was interested in helping us start out… And the purchase we need the most is the travel system, and being the most expensive, we thought this way friends and family could donate whatever they wanted, small or big.

I’ve begun an additional blog here on WordPress: http://knockedupandfit.wordpress.com! This site is mainly used to supporting others in their mental health, writing awareness articles and keeping a tab on my own bipolar disorder during pregnancy. Fitness/Eating well is something I’m very passionate about and I realized it would be more practical to have a separate blog.

So, if you like workout plans, weekly diet menus, and anything fitness/beauty style related, be sure to check it out. It’ll probably convert to a fit Mom blog postpartum, and I’d love to follow other mamas who love to exercise.

Symptoms:

Still pretty stagnant. Baby’s kicks are of course, stronger and more frequent. They also have their own sleeping schedule, which is awesome. Up at 7-8 PM till about 11, then they wind down but it can be off and on movement depending on what I’m doing. This morning I woke up with what I thought was vertigo, or second trimester morning sickness! Needless to say I freaked out a little and ended up phoning my midwife’s office… But it turned out all I needed was a good breakfast and to lie down.

The Crazies:

Bad depression this week. It lasted for a few days and just would not let up. I felt so worthless, uneducated, cruel, mean, bitter… And of course guilty. Guilt is my trigger. I can’t shake it sometimes, but as I am STILL learning after all these years, that is OK. When I have time to sort my mind through I realize things aren’t so bad and the room lights up and I become productive again. God is good.

Baby’s Development:

According to Babycenter.com, the baby will be used to any loud noises that happen already in my daily routine, such as clanking dishes or vacuuming. Which is really mind relieving. Also, their lungs are preparing for breath on the surface. Amazing, but stay in there, please, little baby! And they weigh a little OVER a pound now! Chunky… Just kidding.

Before and After

Last night I took to writing longhand after experiencing what now seems to have been, basically, an adult temper tantrum (I couldn’t fall back asleep – woke up at 2:00 AM and started to lose it around 4:00AM… Yes, it really does make me flip out) I’ve begun to wonder just how much of bipolar disorder is merely a character flaw just like anything else – something I must continue to work through and recognize as a problem. People would probably disagree with me but sometimes I’m just not sure anymore. It is never something to lean on/manipulate with/or abuse… But I’ve been guilty of all three.

After reading what I wrote, it’s hard to believe any of it came out of me at all. The words are harsh but sad. I remember there were times I stopped my pen and asked myself, “Why are you even writing this?” Which is great — I believe that was conviction of the Holy Spirit. Illness is a drainer. Illness insomniatic. I struggled for hours last night feeling so ashamed for the stress I might have put on my child. To be completely frank, he/she is helping! I hate knowing I’m responsible for two beating hearts – so if when I cry and my heart races, I hate knowing I could be causing internal damage to something so incredibly precious to me. So in a nutshell, all the better motivation/reason to stay under control and just say NO. I never wanted my child to see me cry, but they’re feeling it in the womb.

I hope they don’t fall into this thing of mine. I hope they can look at me and see strength, maturity, patience and love.

As Creed so wonderfully puts it in “With Arms Wide Open”…


I hope he’s not like me, I hope he understands.