It’s been a LONG time, and I apologize to anybody who actually still reads this blog.
Life has become… interesting in the last month, and I’ve tried my hardest not to become overwhelmed or flooded by emotion I don’t want. I won’t lie, there have been many days where I have sobbed and felt like taking a sledgehammer to the nearest window. Depression turns very, VERY quickly to wrath for me unless I get it under control, fast.
Once I entered my third trimester I started having some issues with self worth. This is nothing new for me. It usually begins with an event that hits me in the gut where I thought I had some sort of self-esteem, and it rips it away from me. Around week 29 is when things really started to get stressful – I’ve had no manic tendencies whatsoever… just flat out horrible sadness that makes me feel incredibly guilty. And unfortunately, the easiest way for me to deal with that guilt so that it doesn’t linger and affect my baby’s mood, I’ve turned to addictions that are NOT healthy and not good. My husband has been so supportive of this, I don’t know what I would do without him.
During this time (week 29-32) I had several instances where I felt personally attacked… by people I never thought would say the things they said. It made me give up on a lot of things because they made me feel so poor about myself. Thankfully, by God’s grace and the help of a family member, I let it slide off my shoulders so I could take care of myself and my child. I’m a VERY influential person, so obviously if someone is going to tell me I’m doing things terribly wrong, I’m going to want to believe them even though I know what I’m doing is right for me on a personal level. So I’m glad that I’m past that point of the week. Did I confront these people? Hah. Only one, really. So, in a sense, no. I’m a coward, and I openly admit to that. I’m terrified of losing the friends I have. But, as someone once told me, if someone makes you feel so ill about yourself can you really call them a friend? I know they didn’t mean it. Or at least, I truly hope they didn’t. Sometimes as people we can be so oblivious to our words… but you’d think one wouldn’t, when it comes to food and nutrition. Because that’s what all of it had to do with. Peh.
In five weeks I’ll be full term. I feel like there’s so much to do, even though I know we only really need three things to purchase yet. I will re-wash everything probably during week 36-37, just so that I can assure myself that baby’s belonging’s are clean and ready to go.
Oh, something that’s pissed me off… A LOT? I feel like everybody I talk to thinks we’re lying about not knowing our baby’s gender. It has really gotten on my nerves. Why the crap would we lie about that? We stayed strong the entire pregnancy and never broke once into asking our techs to tell us. I’m sorry you don’t know what it is, folks – we don’t either, and we intend to keep it that way until the delivery day. I specifically have written on my birth plan that I want the delivering doctor or midwife to annaouhce, out loud in the room, “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!”. I’m sorry, but if you ACTUALLY knew me, you’d know I simply CANNOT keep a secret. So even if my spouse and I were the only ones who knew, I would blow it eventually to SOMEBODY. But I HAVEN’T, because I don’t FREAKING KNOW, EITHER. So LAY OFF OF IT.
Yes, being extra aggressive online without naming names is very mature. 😉 What’d I tell you? I’m a coward who vents!
Now then, onto baby. They’re doing great. Kicking has turned to rolling, but every once and awhile I get a nice jab (not in the ribs, though, my baby is too low for that… yes, I’m blessed). They weigh about 3.3 – 4.0 lbs, which is fantastic! I’m trying to help them put on fat. Need to do some catching up in that department, and I’ve been battling the anxiety related to it. Gaining weight is terrifying for me but I know it’s necessary. I’m SO done with people one-upping me there, too… when does the one-upping stop? Seriously. Can we all just forget about lifestyles and choices and who’s better than who and just focus on becoming parents, ladies? Ugh. You’re taking all the fun out of the miracle of pregnancy and life. For real.